ambitionless?

"so you have no ambitions then, i suppose?"

the question my possibly well meaning grandfather has for me. dinner last night with him and his diamond fingered, vacation taking, new car buying wife. "what," i ask "do you mean by that?" i mean idealisticly i do HAVE ambitions. i would like to be everything. a doctor-lawyer-chef-make-up artist-housewife-good mother-photographer...etc. the list goes on and on and on...but i've most recently found out that life isn't free...

we make it through dinner with few incidents. the step-grandmother as he so lovingly refers to her as, makes comments under her breath and tells me how my brother should already be mechanically inclined enough to know how to drive. i don't need your two cents. save it for your next piece of jewelry or perhaps your next african safari. i occasionally wonder if her complete lack of respect for my grandfather's offspring has to do with her sons. the bad ones. not her perfect daughters or their perfect children. the one's she warns my aunt about. if you don't be careful they'll end up just like T. and S.

after dinner they want to see my apartment so i take them there. a quick guided tour, a few nice words, a hug, a kiss, a quick slip of a bill into my jacket pocket (because he's not allowed to just give his grandchildren money, per the wife) and he's on his way.



**i don't mean to be rude, or sound disrespectful but when i hold no respect for a person its hard not to. i still feel undermined and manipulated. and nevermind the things i heard said from the horses mouth. we're never more than a pothole you get stuck in on the way to somewhere important. so i won't look at you as anything different in my eyes either.